Caviar in Bangkok's trendy skybars.

Three weeks in กรุงเทพมหานคร

Three weeks in the Big Mango (or Bangkok, or กรุงเทพมหานคร (Groongtepmahanakon)) has been eye opening. Only now can I say I have adjusted to life in the big bad city. It is completely different to the rest of the country in ways I am only beginning to comprehend. People race around with a sense of urgency which can be disorientating at first - this curious behaviour rarely manifests itself in the sticks. Trance-like I observed an MRT (subway) exit as rivers of humanity spewed forth from the escalators whilst corresponding numbers willingly entered the rapacious orifice. The rate of ingress/egress never once eased and leaves one wondering 'Where are all these people going?'

Unlicky charms?

These figures are my life's only ornamentation. A plastic M&M Einstein and a little golden Buddha. They adorn the top of my wardrobe providing protection from bad spirits and thieving Thai women - although they haven't had much success in the latter.

Birds

A date with 23yo Bam from Bang Ken. I met her at a temple where she bought some eels to feed some massive catfish. Great first-date kinda stuff? The problem with Bam was that her big toes were hairy and she forgets which country her brother-in-law's from (Sweden) despite having a degree in tourism? The other women have either been too flaky, too dumb, too tall or too whory. Sateeb remains (and likely will remain) single for the foreseeable.

School supplies

RIGHT, LISTEN UP. THESE ARE ESSENTIAL IN THIS CLASS. OK? Ffs. Kids? Teaching: where you pointlessly repeat stuff! Calculators? Don't even go there. I remember doing maths at school and when we needed a protractor, maybe one or two kids might've occasionally forgotten. We always carried all the stuff we needed to every class, every day in our bags. Here, around 70% come to class with nowt more than a pencil. In my next class I'm not sure whether I should show them this photo and explain how vital the equipment therein is OR simply find a strong fan, get my dick out and piss against it?

I have ordered 20 extra protractors and compasses so I won't have to urinate in a wind tunnel.

Rangsit

Rangsit is an area of Bangkok 30km north of where I stay in Ratchada. It is WAY off the sky train and subway systems. I rode up there on my bike to meet Scouse Chris. He coaches football up there. Despite what dumbass Bangkok-based cockneys might tell you, there is still infrastructure this far out. In fact there are massive spaghetti-junction-type interchanges made from enough concrete to pave Wales.

We ate an all-you-can-eat Sizzler salad, had our hair cut and went up to his apartment roof to investigate the view and neon signs. Going back downstairs we realised we'd forgotten to jam the door open and had inadvertently locked ourselves up on this roof with views of northern Bangkok! Luckily, Chris being a Scouser, we had no problem breaking back in!

The Wolfpack

Last night I met Chris and his girlfriend Om to go and visit The Sky Bar. It is very high and very posh. We passed this advert in the lobby.

Even the bogs were HI-SO. The towels were actually real towels and the soap dispensers contained soap! I almost didn't want to dirty the sparkling urinals with my working-class filth.

The panorama is sublime in every direction. This is northwards.

Even the lifts are worth a mention. They ascended with impressive velocity covering approximately four floors every second at full speed! The ear popping ride to the 64th floor took less than a minute. The ascent also took place in an unearthly silence underpinning the quality engineering involved.

The Scouse and Geordie duo were peckish but at 51000bt (£1035) for 30g of caviar and 400bt (£8) for a small beer, we thought we'd wait until we left where we could eat chicken fried rice for 30bt(60p).

Gym

I stopped smoking 5 weeks ago (with two drunk slips). I have continued going to the free gym at school and can now run the 2.4km in 12m44s which is only 10s off target. Next week I aim to do 2.5km in 12m30s which is well within the RN fitness requirements for a 38yo bloke. I have also located a swimming pool near my room so hopefully I'll be able to swim 1km again soon. Being fit is way better then being a lazy, smoking, alcoholic numpty.

$$$$$$

Last month I made 8000bt (£160) last 3 weeks. I got paid 37500bt last week for only two weeks work which was cool. I will have to go to Penang next weekend to drink Tea Tarek, eat delicious Indian food at Jaya, visit Trang and secure another bloody visa. I might buy a bicycle and a laptop later this month.

Plans

No immediate plans. Experience BKK and save $$$$ until next year.

News

Rangers are in the Scottish 3rd Division. Surely Berwick Rangers v Rangers must be worth a trip? Haha. Team GB seem to be doing well in some minor sporting event in London.

ภาษาไทย - lingo

มหาวิทยาลัย - university (ma ha wita ya lai)
ปลาไหล - eel (bla lai)
คาเวียร์ - caviar (ka wia)
รถจักรยาน - bicycle (rot jak yam)
ไฮโซ - posh (Hi So)